There's No Place Like Home
by Ispell2
Summary: Farkas finally had a family. Kids, a wife, even a family pet, a dumb little mudcrab. But when he gets sucked in to our world... Well, what's a humongous guy with a big freaking sword to do in a world where cat people and magic don't exist?
1. Chapter 1

( In my other story, my character had adopted Sissel, but I didn't actually do that. I found out that if I did, Britte would be part of the package. So I adopted Blaise and Lucia instead.)

Farkas smashed in the bandits skull with the hilt of his sword, and kicked him to make sure he was dead. He was coming home from a very long journey, and wasn't going to let some petty thief ruin his good mood, or steal the gifts he was bringing for his family. For his eldest daughter, a handsome golden dagger; for his son, a very well made elvish helmet, as he had promise to take him on a low level job; a doll made of fine silk that he assumed would catch his youngest daughters eye; and for his beloved wife, a... He stopped cold. His _wife_. He had completely forgotten to look for anything for her!

He cursed himself. That _entire _fort, and he didn't even grab a bowl. He _always _brought home a gift for his family if it was a good job. How could he have forgotten? He dropped the sack of items he had 'collected' from the fort, and sifted through the treasures, hoping to find something she would like. A pair of steel boots? She had better, and these were too big for her anyway. A clump of iron ore with a few fragments of amethyst in it? What would she do with that? Smithing wasn't a hobby of hers. Someones undergarments? Whoops, how'd that get in there? He searched almost frantically in the bag for a gift, and had no luck.

Giving up, sat on the ground and thought. "_Well, she could always use more lockpicks. I'll just give her that.", _he decided, digging some lockpicks out of his pocket and throwing them in the sack. He picked it back up and went merrily on his way. It took a few hours before he got to Whiterun, it was dark when he got home, and he was tired and longing for a hot meal. "I'm home!", he said as lightly as he possibly could with his gruff voice. Blaise and Lucia were still up, but Orsola was asleep in Seirye's arms, and as soon as he walked through the door she wrinkled her little nose and started to bawl.

Seirye held the baby close and bounced her as a mother will, trying to quiet the baby, and when that didn't work, she fed her.(I'm not going in to detail with that, I just like to fill out my story. This is a bit slow, but trust me, it's coming...I feel kind of silly writing parent experiences, seeing as I'm not one, and hope not to be for a good ten, fifteen years.) "Poppa!", said Blaise and Lucia, jumping up from teasing their pet mudcrab to hug him. "And you've got gifts!", said Blaise. Farkas and Seirye rolled their eyes.

"Yeah, I've got gifts. For you, Blaise.", He said, pulling out the helmet. Blaise's eyes sparkled with bewilderment, as he pulled the helmet over his head. "It's a little big, but it's great!",Blaise exclaimed. "For you", said Farkas taking the sheath and dagger out of the sack, and handing it to Lucia. Lucia took the dagger out of it's sheath, and gasped at it's intricate beauty. "It's so gorgeous! Thank you sooo much! I promise I won't beat you when we play a game anymore! Wow!", Lucia said jumping up and down. "And for you, little one...", he cooed at the little bundle in his wife's arms, which was a strange sound coming from him.

He sat down with them and pulled from the sack once more, the little doll, and gave it to Orsola, who grabbed it and held it, gurgling happily. Seiyre gave him a confused look. "_This _was at a bandit fort?", she asked. "No, I went to Dawnstar on the way and asked Taarie and Endarie to make it. You should've seen their faces.", He replied. "I, uh, found some lockpicks. Here." Seriye smiled and took them. "We don't needa gift every time you go out. Your safe return is _always _enough.", Seirye said.

(**************)

Farkas was hanging up his armor for now. He wanted to stay home for awhile, so he could spend time with his family. Then he noticed something was missing. His sword wasn't in the sheath! In his foolish floating mood, he must've dropped it after looking at the goods he had found. He sighed, exasperated, and put on his armor again. "I left my sword just outside the walls, I'll be right back.", he called to Seirye. "Okay." He walked out the door and out the gates, and along the road until he came to the place he dropped it. Sure enough, next to the body of a bandit, his sword was glinting in the moonlight.

He walked over and picked it back up, when there was a sudden burst of blue, and it sucked him in. The blow, as odd as it seems as it wasn't a solid form, knocked him cold out, and the vortex became black.

(**************)

"Huh. That was weird.", Grace said aloud. "What?", said her sister, Wynn. "That flash of blue light. Didn't you see it?" "No." Grace rolled her eyes. "Well, I'm gonna go check it out." "Grace! You know how in the movies, when you go to check out the loud noise or the weird thing, something bad happens?" "So?" "So, if you go do that, somethings going to kill you, or jump out, or whisk you in to a magical world of talking lions and crap!" Grace stared at her sister. "What have you been smoking? It's just a flash of light. Come on, don't be such a baby." Wynn reluctantly folled her little sister out the door.

"You know, if I die, and I don't get to go back to college tomorrow, mom's going to hold you PERSONALLY responsible for paying off my student loans.", stuttered Wynn. Grace ignored her sister, and kept walking toward where she saw the light. She stopped cold. "Grace? Grace are you okay?", Wynn yelled, catching up with her thirteen year old sister. And she knew why she had stopped. Laying on his side, was a huge man, in armor, and in his hand was an enormous sword.


	2. Chapter 2

( People like my story! As Fluttershy would say "*_yaaay*"_.)

The girls stood by the heaping mass of armor, muscle, and what they hoped was dirt. Grace snapped out of it enough to pick up a stick and poke him with it. "Grace?! What are you doing?!", Wynn whispered. "Checking if he's dead." "How would poking him with a stick determine that?!" Grace stopped and thought. "I don't know. That's what they do in movies and books.", Grace said, a little too loudly. Wynn rolled her eyes. Suddenly, the man laying on the ground next to their feet groaned and moved. Wynn jumped back and squeaked. Grace hit him on the head with the stick, and he fell back down. "Grace!" "It was a reflex!"

Between the two girls they managed to haul him back to their house, it was only a few meters away. They set him on the livingroom floor, and propped his head up with some pillows. Grace sat beside him, and Wynn left the room. She came back carrying duct-tape. "Duct-Tape?", Grace said suprised. "Yeah, in case he's, like, evil or something." Grace started at her sister. "... Wynn. This guy looks like the love child of Chuck Norris and Rambo. I don't think Duct-Tape will hold him. Besides, if we thought he was evil, we wouldn't have brought him in here. In fact, he kind of looks..." "Scary? Crazy? Murderous?"

"Cuddly. Like a giant teddy bear." "Grace, this guy is as big as a _REAL _bear." "C'mon, Wynn. We couldn't have left him outside in the freezing cold night..." Wynn turned her head. "During the middle of Fall..." Wynn grunted. "When it's supposed to snow tonight." "It's supposed to snow tonight?" "Yeah, a whole three feet. Pretty much a blizzard." Graces head snapped back the man laying on the floor. He had a small bump on his head, but not visible under thick, dirty, black hair. "Hey, I think he's starting to wake up." **_  
_**

The mans eyes slowly opened, closed and snapped open. He sat straight up, looking at his surroundings, with a look of terror on his face. Grace jumped up. "He IS awake!" He sluggishly tried to stand up, like he was drunk (or suffering a concussion...), and Grace and Wynn pushed him back on the pillows. He tried to struggle, but was very clearly drained of all energy, as if he burned it all by sitting upright. He slurred something like "Where am I?", and "Who are you?". "Sir, what's your name?", Wynn asked him quietly. He didn't reply, just stared off and mumbled "Sir? What is your name?", Grace asked more loudly.

He turned his head, and, with a shocked look on his face, said one word; "Farkas". Grace stared at him. "Where are you from?" "Whiterun." Grace shook her head. "Where am I?", he said, starting to recollect himself. "You're in Lafayette.", Wynn told him. "Where?", he asked. Wynn could understand why he didn't know where Lafayette was. It _is _in Indiana after all. "You're in Indiana." He still looked at her like she was crazy. Wynn turned to her sister," Where's Whiterun?" Grace looked at her with extreme discomfort. "It's... It's a town." "Okay?" "In Skyrim." "Yeah?" "In Tamriel." "GRACE!" "In a freaking game."

"A game?" "Yeah. It's my favorite. And there's a character in it. His name is Farkas. Oh my God. Do you think...?" Wynn thought for a little while. "It could be possible. Pretty much anything's possible." They looked back at Farkas. He was sort of drooling and looking up dazed at the ceiling fan. "Wynn, how to we tell mom?" "I don't know. Lets just tell her." Wynn got up to get their mom. "Do you want something to eat or drink or anything?", she asked Farkas. "No.", he said sharply. "Well... Something to eat.", he reconsidered.

Grace went to the kitchen and made him a ham and cheese sandwich, microwaved it , and grabbed a bag of barbecue chips. She went back to the living room and set the plate and chips next to him, opening the bag and grabbing a handful herself. Farkas looked at the sandwich confusedly, picked it up, and took a bite. His eyes widened. He scarfed down the rest of it. "You like ham and cheese?" Farkas nodded after a large gulp. "Here, try some chips.", Grace said moving the bag over to him. "I'll go get some milk.", Grace said, starting to get up. "Actually, do you have any mead?" Grace stood up.

"...No... But I think my mom has some cheap liquor hiding in locked cabinet. I don't have the keys though, and in your condition, I don't think having a drink would be a good idea." "Milk it is, then." Grace came back with two plastic cups full of milk, and gave one to Farkas. He stared at it. "If I was at home, I'd never live this down.", he said. He took a sip. "This... This doesn't taste like normal milk." "It's two percent. I think it tastes better that way.", Grace said. _" What's taking them so long?"_, Grace thought to herself. She idly chit-chatted with Farkas, who was feeling better.

_"Funny. I would've expected him to be a bit more angry and crazed when he woke up.", _She wondered. Wynn came back downstairs. "She was in the shower. She's on her way." A slightly wrinkled woman with orange skin, bleach blonde hair, and drawn on eye brows, wrapped in a fluffy pink bathrobe, walked into the room. "Alright, i'm here, what is i-", she said cutting off when she saw Farkas munching on potato chips. She raised her finger at him, "Who... What... What the HELL girls?!" Wynn took her mothers elbow and explained what had happened.

She glared at Farkas. "Farkas, this is our mom, Kirsty." "Hi.", their mom said through her teeth. She got a good look at him, and her attitude suddenly changed. "Hi?", he asked. "It means hello.", Grace told him. "Oh. Hi.", he said, understanding. Kirsty knelt beside him, sort of moving her bathrobe aside a little. "Where you from, Honey?", She said looking down. She frowned. "Oh.", she said, getting up, and walking in to the kitchen to talk to Wynn. Grace looked at her mother angrily. "Yeah, OH.", Grace said. Farkas looked at Grace. "Oh?" "Your wedding ring. _She-", _Grace growled, pointing at her mother, "Is on the prowl."

"My wife and children wouldn't like that very much.", he said jokingly. The older women came back in to the room. "Alright, you can stay until we ind a way to get you home, but first thing's first; You need to bathe.", she sniffed. She walked up closely to him, and trailed her pointer finger on his chest armor. "If there's _anything _I can do... for you... just let me know", she said, trying to be seductive, but ending up being creepy. He stepped back in disgust. "C'mon, i'll show you where the bathroom is, and get you some clothes to change in to.", Jane said turned to Farkas.

She showed him upstairs and turned the water in the tub on, got out a new bar of soap and some shampoo. "Okay, this-", she said holding up the Dove soap bar,"-is for your body. This-", she held up the shampoo bottle,"- is for your hair. There's some towels, and i'll go get you some clothes. My dad's about your size, and he hasn't picked up all his stuff yet." Farkas nodded. "What's your name? I told you mine.", Farkas asked her. "My names Grace. My sisters' name is Wynn.", she said. "How old are you, Grace?", He asked softly. "I'm thirteen." "My oldest daughter is twelve." "What's her name?"

"Lucia. I have three children. Blaise is the oldest, and my only son. Then there's Lucia, and then there's Orsola. She's only a newborn." "That's nice." "... Where's your father?", Farkas asked quietly. " He left." "Why?" "Because my mom's a infidelious skank. Dad found out she cheated fourteen times during their marriage. Now my dad can't even look at me, because he thinks I might be someone elses daughter. We're doing blood tests, and the results should be in in on Tuesday." "That's awful. I'm sorry." "Don't be. It's not your fault.", Grace said leaving the room to get him some clothes.


	3. Chapter 3

(Augh! I introduced the main characters plight too soon! Forgive me? Pleeeease? Pinkie Pie forgives me, so should you. It's an honest rookie mistake I made, I was tired, and I take ambien for sleep so I was really loopy, and- Anyway. Sorry.)

Grace slid her dads clothes under the door, and went to a cupboard to get some pillows and a blanket, and went downstairs to make up the couch. It pulled out, so it was like a bed, but way less comfortable. She contemplated getting out an air mattress, but came to the obvious conclusion that that would be even less comfortable. She knew that sleep on one of those things is impossible. She decided to make some more food. If Farkas was anything like her dad, he'd be hungry by now.

She made another sandwich, and filled the cup back up. Farkas really seemed to love milk. "Oh!", she gasped. She went to the cupboard and got out a box of Nestle chocolate powder, and mixed it in. She went back to the living room and turned on the T.V. "What's on?", Wynn asked, coming in to the room in her pajamas. "A rerun of Friends, one we've already seen. The one where Phobe finds that cat and thinks it's her mom? A couple of channels are playing How I Met Your Mother, a few football games, nothing special.", Grace said boredly. "Turn on Netflix." "Right."

She clicked on "Party of One". The show started with a pink pony singing and dancing, and a little toothless alligator in a top hat sitting blankly by her. Farkas walked down the stairs, obviously uncomfortable with his clean clothes. He looked almost normal in the red T-Shirt and jeans, aside from how intensely muscular he was. He waddled over to couch, where the girls were sitting, and sat down with them. "Grace?", Farkas quietly asked. "Mmhmm?", Grace replied, handing him the plate and milk. "What is this place? Where am I? What is that? I don't know why I'm staying here, with complete stangers, by my own will."

"I don't even know how I got here! I'm calm, and I know I shouldn't be!", he spilled out. Grace looked over to her sister, agitatedly. "Tell him the truth, to an extent.", Wynn mouthed to her. Grace took a breath. "You're not home. At all. In any sense of the word. This is Earth. Well, this planet is called Earth, we're actually just in one area. You're probably not in your own dimension.", she chattered on. Wynn glared at her. "Grace!" "I panicked!" Farkas just stared at them for a few minutes. He face slowly twisted from shock, to absolute horror. He started freaking out completely.  
Grace rushed to the kitchen and pulled a couple of paper bags from the counter. "My wife... I was just going to... Oh Gods... No!", he blubbered. He actually started to cry. They had never seen or felt such heartbreak. Farkas was alone, in a completely unfamiliar place, far, far, far away from those he loved, without any warning of what was to come. It's one thing to go on an adventure, with your family knowing where you're going, and knowing you'll be home again with your children and wife, happy.

It's another thing to be sucked in to an entirely different place, not knowing if you'll ever see them again, or for how long you'll be gone. It's all on another level when you finally found the family you never had as a child. Grace almost started to cry herself, seeing his extreme sadness. They had the impression that someone like him never cried, under any circumstance. Grace moved toward him. Seeing someone so tough sob like a child for his family touched her so deeply, she instinctively reached out and touched his arm.

She knew how she'd feel if she were millions of lightyears away from her loved ones. They waited patiently as he let it all out. When he was done, his face was red, and he felt fevered, but a bit better. Tranquil, and very tired. Wynn got him a wet towel to wipe his face. He got ahold of himself, and immediately felt embarrassed. He was too exhausted to even try to say something to make him seem manly again. The single most mortifying moment of his life, was also the saddest.


	4. Chapter 4

(It's BAAAAAAACK. My apologies for the rather heavy last chapter. I wasn't feeling depressed or anything, I just felt I needed to get explaining stuff out of the way. The story will resume its hilarity soon, if not in this chapter.)

Wynn handed Farkas some tissues. She was surprised that her mother hadn't come downstairs. "Thank you for your generosity.", Farkas sniffed. "Don't worry about it. Look, you can stay with us until we find a way to get you back. And we will find a way.", Grace assured him. "_Mew_". Farkas jumped a bit. "Not now Fluffy!", Grace said to a small fluffy grey cat, about a year old. Farkas stared at the kitten. Grace picked Fluffy up and held her in her arms. "Oh, this is Fluffy. She's our kitty. Isn't she cute?", she smiled in a sing-songy voice, and gave the cat a snuggle.

"Do you have little cats in Tamriel?", Grace asked. Wynn pulled her aside. She thought that reminding him of home would trigger another uncharacteristically emotional episode. "I got this. In the game, he's uber tough, and not so smart. I doubt he'll have another outburst. He's too macho to lose himself again.", Grace whispered as quietly as she could. "No. What do you mean _your _cat. They're your slaves?!", He asked surprisedly. Grace scritched the kitty under her chin. "For them to be slaves, they'd actually have to _do _something other than eat, sleep, and poop."_  
_

"They're pets. And we're _their _slaves." Farkas didn't really understand that part. Ah well. The cat didn't look like she was unhappy. It looked very content. "Would you like to hold her?", Grace asked him, holding the kitten out. "Uh... Sure.", Farkas answered. He took the kitten out of her hands. It felt weird, sort of hollow and light. But it was a nice feeling too, all warm and fuzzy. And soft! Farkas smiled and rubbed her tummy. "Be careful with her! If you press too hard she'll bite you. Or scratch you. Either way, it hurts.", Wynn told him.

It was kind of like talking to a child, talking to Farkas. Though he was an adult, he wasn't exactly from here. He didn't know what things did, how they did them, how to act, anything about the customs of Earth. He liked the cat though. Maybe when he got home, he'd convince his wife to let him get a dog. Hey, you _ask _Dragonborn and bearer of your child before you bring home another mouth to feed. As silly and feminine as it made him look, he really enjoyed the little ball of fluffy snuggles that was a cat.

Eventually, he fell asleep, and Fluffy curled up on his stomach. Grace was getting tired, as well. "C'mon. You may be a little adult, but you have the sleeping cycle of a toddler.", Wynn told Grace, helping her up the stairs to her room.

* * *

Farkas didn't know what to expect when he woke up. Maybe he hoped it was all a terrible dream, maybe he hoped it he would be home, but when he opened his eyes he couldn't help but be disappointed. He was still asleep on the couch, in the strange garb, with a small beast called a 'kitty' stepping on his neck. Fluffy purred and jumped down from him only to flop over in front of a sliding door. Farkas rubbed his eyes, and noticed a heavenly smell in the air. The thick scent of bacon sizzling from the kitchen flirted with his stomach, and he threw off the blanket and walked over to the archway to the kitchen.

He peered around it to see Grace sitting on a barstool while Wynn oversaw the popping meat in the pan. Both were silent, but they seemed happy. Grace looked up from the fast-filling plate of bacon, and smiled at Farkas. "Good morning! Did you sleep okay?", she asked him. Farkas' stomach growled. "I slept. That's enough.", he said gruffly. He was not a morning person. "Here, have some bacon. But don't eat too many of them, were going to make BLT's.", Grace said, pulling some of the cooler bacon from the bottom of the pile and handing it to him.

He wolfed it down (GEDDIT), but stared longingly at the pan. "What's a BLT?", he asked in a hungry daze. "Bacon, lettuce, and tomato. In a sandwich. It's really good. We like to put Mayo and salt on ours, too, and put salt on the leftover tomato slices and eat them like that!", Grace said cheerily. "What's Mayo?" Grace's cheery expression changed slowly to something like awe before quietly speaking. "I... I don't know...", she said in a trance, Wynn bringing her back to Earth by waving a piece of bacon under her eyes.

She bit it out her sister's hand and munched on it. She looked at the pile of bacon and jumped down from the barstool. "Want to help me make the sandwiches?", Grace asked Farkas. "That depends, do I not eat if I don't?", he replied. "Maybe. You'll just have to see, now, won't you?", she said straight-faced. She pulled three plates out of the cupboard and lay them on the counter, then went to the refrigerator and collected the ingredients. She slathered the mayo on two slices of bread, stopping to watch Farkas mimic her.

She salted one side and lay the bacon on it, then the lettuce, and then the tomato, then salted the last piece of bread and squished it all down, making a satisfying crunch. They continued until they had made about a dozen BLT's. Grace poured them all some milk while Wynn put away the extras and scraped the bacon grease in to a cylindrical container by the stove, where they would get grease for other meals and more bacon. Farkas was oddly quiet while he ate his sandwiches.

"Is mom here?", Grace asked her sister, who woke up much earlier than herself and Farkas. "No, I think she left for work, but I'll be here until eight.", she said. "Oh. You're leaving again tonight?"

"I have to, Grace."

"I know, I just... Thought we'd have more time."

"I know."

Farkas didn't know where Wynn was going, but neither she, nor Grace seemed happy about it. So neither was he. "Where are you going?", he asked. All he seemed to do was ask. "I'm going about nine-hundred miles away to college. I'm going to get my tech degree and make a better life for Grace.", Wynn said a little bit angrily, getting up to rinse her plate off. "I'm going to go pack.", she stomped off. Grace looked about as perplexed at her anger as Farkas did. She turned her head to him and shrugged. "Girls.", she said, taking another bite of her sandwich.


End file.
